The voice inside my head


A problem I have always had even before the operation is a little voice in my head. Not like schizophrenia , just me questioning everything I say or do. I am a well known worrier. Tried to put whittler but it seems to mean someone who uses a whittle knife thing lol.

Since surgery this is now causing me problems. I don’t sleep well for worrying, My mind goes into overdrive when all is quiet. I feel this is starting to get out of hand , and my counsellor spotted it too. I feel it makes me a weak person who over worries things constantly to the point it takes over my days. My councellor says it doesn’t make me weak in the sense of power /weak, and any mental health issues are an illness like a broken arm. Interesting.

The fact that I have down days at the moment is to be expected and I suppose my worrying more is too. It’s just that it is exaggerated at the moment. After my sessions I am worn out and pretty emotional for the rest of the day. I also realise that I miss my dad more than I thought. He would be right by my side with the rest of my family, and would be down to earth, with lots to say and right beside me.

I have been given sleeping pills but know not to use them every day, so I struggle on the days I don’t take them. Last night I lit a lavender scented candle for a while, my husband agreed that we could hardly smell it, that is until I blew it out, then you could smell it for a few minutes. I have been given a relaxing CD which I keep looking at but doing nothing about. I just want to be able to close my eyes and go to sleep. She suggested a warm bath before bed, but that wouldn’t work for me. I would have the bath then get out and feel that I need to change my bag, even though they are supposed to be waterproof, I feel better when it is changed completely. A milky drink, maybe , but I end up waking again for a wee.

I wish I wasn’t a worrier, I would like to be a warrior instead.