The struggle is real / stoma bloopers

CROHNS AND COLITIS AWARENESS WEEK 1-7 DEC

WARNING EXTREME TOILET HUMOUR

There are many occasions when things don’t go to plan with a stoma, it can be a right nuisance but you can laugh about it after,  if you can see the funny side.

1. Splashback, we’ve all been there sitting right back on the loo, you pop a piece of loo roll onto the front of the bowl and open the bag. Before you know it the bit of loo roll had slipped and the poo has gotten all down the front of the bowl AND splashed back onto yours truly. You might not even know it’s happened until you catch a glimpse of the underside of your underwear. Either that or it’s all over your thighs. Maybe you have extremely watery output and open the end, find there is some air so give it a squeeze, before you know what has happened its missed the bowl altogether.

2. The placing of the bag. This one happens to me on a regular basis, you clean yourself up get everything organised , cut the base plate to a perfect size peel off the seal and carefully place it over the stoma, you stand back to admire your work … and realise the opening is somewhere facing  your other leg. 🙄

3. The noises, these will only happen in a quiet public place or when you are relaxing quietly watching a good film. People will look but you can tell they are not convinced it was a fart but are not quite sure what it was. You try and muffle the stoma by covering it will anything you have to hand. This seems to work initially but not for long.

4. Back to the loo, when it doesn’t flush properly, usually a public loo who’s water pressure is useless, and the toilet tissue at the front of the bowl trick hasn’t  worked. You usually have to wait and try again. What do people think you are doing in there ? they hear rustling about, and the loo flushing but no one comes out.

5. Naughty pesky stomas on change day. They can all misbehave when you are trying to clean them, particularly if you are airing the pest. Just when you think it is safe to leave it alone, wham.. output all over the place and you can’t get tissues quick enough, and once it starts it’s like mount versuvius, trouble is you can’t put the bag on until it settles because it will be all over that too. You shout at it because it makes you feel better, yes I know you do too

6. You are constantly checking it’s still there. Yep your hand creeps up and you check that you are not ready to burst, do you leave it a while longer and risk it or do you decide the risk is too great? it can be a shock to find the bag full when you can’t really feel it filling up.

7. Absentmindedly squishing the contents. ( for non stoma folk, it is very clean and nothing gets out )This one sounds disgusting but is something you just do quickly now and again.. It starts when you are checking the contents, is it still watery? has it thickened up yet ? is it ready to empty? then you end up just squishing it about for a short while. No reason.

8. Smelling a fart and being able to categorically shout ” It is definitely not me”

9. Who else can watch TV , talk to your friends on the phone ( or in person ), go out for a drink, eat, sleep…..all whilst having a poo. The ultimate multitasker.

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